Proclivity – Daily response

via Daily Prompt: Proclivity

I wish that I could state that my thing I do regularly is blog. But I don’t. I seem to do well for a while and then life and it’s activities grab ahold of me and I am not focused on my writing.  My tendency is to choose other things. I do so many things on a regular basis, but not write. I need to make it a predisposed part of my day.

I have been so busy attempting to fulfill the requirements of the STRS disability  board that my life has been like a ragdoll tossed to the side for near two years now. I just ran out of time with the whole process of getting disability. It seems as if proving ones traumatic brain injury is not easily done. I have been to so many doctors over the course of the last two years and to no avail have not one doctor who was willing to fill out the documentation.  I am left with no money; no pay for over two years now and bills from trying everything I could to get what they asked for.  I feel as if I wasted thousands of dollars in an effort to get something I was due and lost.  I paid into a system that was supposed to be there if I needed it.  But, as for me it was not. I now must accept the lower payout of standard retirement. I will not get any money for a while now as the process will take time. I cannot work as I am disabled – just not on paper for STRS.  I had lived in a world filled with illusions that the money I had put into the fund was there for me if were ever to need it. But, I have found that to get that money back out is not that easy. I wish I had bought disability insurance prior to my accident. My hope is that I will be able to find a part time job that I can do a few days a week for a few dollars. I am not sure I can work in fluorescent lights at all but I think I would like to try.

Perhaps now I can write a bit each day as the paperwork attempt is over. It filled my life and robbed me of so much. I need to move on. HUGZ

 

 

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Will I Overcome? Not This Time

via Daily Prompt: Overcome

 

My fortieth class reunion is tonight. I am not going. I would but the people I held most dear during that time on my life are not coming or have passed away. I thought about going but then realized that with a traumatic brain injury the band after dinner alone would be too much. I picture the reunion in my head and see the tables of people talking and laughing about old times. They are discussing their careers and grandchildren. I have grandchildren. I could discuss them. But my career is over and I miss it dearly.  The multiple conversations going on about me would force me to attempt to focus in on the one nearest to me and somehow attempt to hear what they are saying. That used to be so easy to do. But, now it is frustrating and it makes me quite anxious.  I have overcome so many things in the past forty years. I have lost dear friends, family members, loved ones. I have survived major accidents and more. Yet, this time I cannot beat this thing that has messed up my brain. I keep on trying. I cannot overcome. I cannot be successful with beating this injury. It has literally taken over my life. I cannot even go and enjoy my class reunion. I know I am venting. I seem to need to do that from time to time. I vent because when I looked forward in my life I did not see this one coming.

I sat at my graduation while over 400 students walked up to get their diplomas and pictured my future. I saw a family who loved one another, a good looking dude at my side, a house with the white picket fence, a dog, and I was working as a teacher. That was all I wanted. I wasn’t asking for much. God blessed me with all but the dumb fence. I was living my dream. Then came the accident. It all seemed to come crashing down little by little after that. No more career, no more being able to drive to go family or friends, no more dog. Why no more dog? I get sick if I bend over too much. To care for a dog and have to hook them on a line to let them out would literally make me ill. So, I visit them at the farmer’s markets and swoon over them there. I miss so many things. I miss having a dog to jump on my lap. I miss being able to drive to soccer games and to be at the pool with my grandkids. Yea, I smile and make people think it is all good. I am pretty good at wearing that mask, jacket, whatever you want to call it. Then days like today come along and I come on here and type. I type to let others know how I truly feel. How hard it is to not be the old me. I miss her. I liked her more than I like the new me I have had to become. She would have been able to go to the reunion. But, here I sit and read the posts of the people in town and sulk. I have not overcome. Not today. Some days I do all right. But just like when someone you love dies you have those days that rear their ugly head and remind you of your loss. You cry and move on. It is life.

I thank you Lord for my family, and my home without the silly picket fence. I thank you for my dude at my side and for all of the things you have blessed us with. I will overcome this day by day one step at a time with you by my side. But as for today, keep me busy and let me feel you near. I overcome only with you at my side. HUGZ

Infatuated with Life

via Daily Prompt: Enamored

 

Enamored, a word not often used in day to day verbiage.  Defined it means to be filled with a feeling of love, to be in love with, smitten by, or merely having a liking for something is to be enamored with something.

As a young woman I would have stated that I was infatuated with the love of my life, my spouse, and although that remains true I would not be here to love the man of my dreams without life. Life, a word with only four letters and such a large meaning.  To have life, to breathe, to sustain a way of living is not a given. It is a day to day gifting.

Only yesterday a dear friend underwent an eight hour surgery. She is resting now and healing from the endeavor and she is alive. Alive to be with her family yet another day. Breathing and taking in air, enjoying a breakfast that only a hospital can make. 🙂 She has been given the opportunity as have all of us to reach out and touch people in a new way. As one who is fighting back at breast cancer she is a stronghold of the culture within we live. So many have fought the battle against cancer, so many have won the battle against death with accidents, illnesses, and on and on the list could go.  I have survived a few things myself but today I choose to focus on the fact that I live for a purpose, a reason.

What is that reason? I live to serve. I live to serve God and his church. I live to serve those who long to know more about what it is like to live with a TBI.  I live to love my friends and family.  I am infatuated with life.

This morning as I rose from slumber I came right to my PC to go onto Facebook. I knew that a post would have been made concerning the well being of my dear friend. A photo of she and her daughter greeted me as I slid down the page of entries. In that moment I knew she was okay. Joy entered my heart as I knew I would be able to talk to her again soon. We would be able to come together and make handmade cards for those we love and speak of our lives. We would form more memories and explore our lives. I am thankful for that opportunity.

In a few hours I will venture out to celebrate a birthday with someone who was in the rollover accident with me. We will celebrate another year of life. I will look at her and recall those moments wherein we were not sure we would make it. She will look at me and do the same. Then we will embrace and know that we are blessed to be here. To celebrate yet another year, to be there with those we love, and to serve.  To live, to celebrate life and to be enamored by all of its possibilities.

 

Hesitation Is Risky

via Daily Prompt: Hesitate

 

“Miss, you have been in an accident. Your vehicle rolled over and we had to cut the roof off to get you out.”

Being turned to the side on the board she was strapped to she threw up again. The pain in her head was immense. If only she had not hesitated to put on her seatbelt correctly before they had pulled out of the parking lot. It was not comfortable and so she had taken the shoulder belt over her head and was attempting to fix it so it did not rub her bare skin. Doing so while in motion on the road was not a good idea. She thought it would be okay as they were in town and she was in the back seat. But when she saw the car in the intersection coming at her she knew she had no time to fix the situation. Before she could say anything the oncoming car had struck the rear wheel well just behind her and set the car tumbling over and over again. All she could do was try to hold on. Thank God she had kept the lap belt on. If she hadn’t she would have been be a free agent inside the tumbling car.

The male voice continued, “Miss, can you tell me your name?”

Trying to think all the while vomiting up phlegm she tried to state what she knew. “My name is Pam. Are my friends okay?”

“They have been transported already. You were the last one taken out of the vehicle. We had a heck of a time getting to as you were buried in tools and stuff from the back end of the car. These new vehicles without trunks are horrible in rollovers. Everything back there becomes air born. Let me take a look at that head of yours while we wait on your transport.”

“My head hurts so bad. There and my back.”

“You must have lost consciousness for a while. We need to place this horse collar onto your neck. You do not want to cause any more damage. When you feel sick we will continue to tip the flat board you are on to the side so you can vomit. You will be transported as soon as the vehicle that took one of your friends gets back. We are a small town and we have only so much help here. So, get comfortable as it may take a while.”

Laying there waiting Pam could hear the voices of the site seers around her. A policeman walked over and began to question her.  “Miss, I need to ask you some questions. First of all, when they found you in the vehicle you were in a weird position. Did you not have your seat belt on?”

“I had my lap belt on but I was in the process of fixing my shoulder strap because it was rubbing my skin. I did not have it on properly. I had hesitated to adjust it when we pulled out of the lot near the ball game.”

“Well Miss that was not a great idea.  That hesitation was quite risky as you can see. You could have been killed.”

In that moment Pam knew that her hesitation was unwise. She had injuries because of it. Her life was possibly going to be altered because of that moment she risked all. But, she was alive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rollover in town :Against the Odds

via Photo Challenge: Against the Odds

If you had told me that day that I would end up in an SUV on its side after rolling three times I would have told you that you were crazy. I had never known that a large SUV could be pushed over by a mid sized car traveling at 25 mph in town.  I know!  I still cannot believe it! Here is how I know. I was in the back seat on the passenger side of the car when the person driving the SUV I was riding in unknowingly ran a red light. An oncoming mid sized sedan did not brake and drove into the back end of the SUV right behind where I was sitting. As the car hit it went into the rear wheel well and thus acted like a wedge as it continued up and under us. The vehicle I was in rolled over and over and landed on the passenger side. Lying there against the door I saw that parts were broken away and began looking for my cell phone to call for help. As I did so my friend in the front seat began to scream thinking she could smell smoke. Still seeking my cell phone I tossed aside the tools that had flown from the back storage area and hit me in the head aside. Picking up my phone I heard a voice outside the window. It was a fireman! We had wrecked within a block of the village fire department. In moments there was a flurry of activity. Being unable to extract us from the vehicle without cutting off the top they tossed in blankets for us to cover up with and began cutting with multiple tools finally lifting off the roof. I was the last one to be extracted from the SUV. We were all taken to a Trauma Center and live today with residuals from that occurrence.  Against all odds we rolled in the city from coming in contact with a vehicle going 25 mph. I thought that was impossible. But it is not. It is just against the odds.

 

(The photo is not of our accident – I was unable to take pictures that day)