Daily Prompt: Viable
To be viable means to be capable of surviving or living successfully in a particular environment. If we consider a plant, the concept is easy to decipher as to whether they need a desert, a forest, or the sea. But, as for people it is a bit more difficult to discern where they are viable or not in varied settings. I must say that I am most viable in a peaceful environment wherein I feel safe. Being one with PTSD the world can startle me in many ways. It is then that I pull back into my cocoon and attempt to block it all out. For example, one day I had traveled to a little town to look at a dog I was considering to adopt. A large truck turned the corner near me and as it did it hit a light pole and broke it in half. The pole must have impacted the tire as an explosion ensued. I was not far from where this took place and it brought about a reaction from my gut. I sat there in my car trembling unable to focus on what I needed to do. As cars behind me began to blow their horns I had to regain my composure and move on. Other examples are not as extreme. People who are aggressive and accusatory scare me as well. The emotion that comes with such behavior impacts me more than most people. If I see someone engage in an argument or accuse someone of something that they may or may not have done I pull back into my shell and retreat. I do not tolerate that environment well. I do not flourish in any unloving scene. I retreat and want to leave it as soon as possible. Most recently I find myself pulling out of society for the most part. I am happier alone where I know what to expect. I don’t even like to answer the phone depending on who is calling. If I feel that they might be negative or want to gossip I don’t answer. I seem to want to manipulate my environment in the hopes of being able to grow, survive, be me. PTSD has changed me in how I live. I now dread certain places I need to go and people who are mean just simply infuriate me. I can barely tolerate them. In order for me to be viable in this society I need to force myself out of my shell I have built and get out there. I will not be successful if I don’t. I need to take baby steps and go where I feel safe. Church is one of those places. Being with certain family members is another. Crafting is peaceful and I flourish in my own little zone doing that. I am one when planted in certain areas I shrivel up and would surely die without the proper feeding of love and being given the waters of life. Viability I have found is not just about plants. It is about humans as well. I think that many who withdraw cannot tolerate the negativity that is rampant in our society. The media is made up mostly of negative gossip and hatred. Even our t.v. shows upset me and I have to turn them off. I do not flourish in society much anymore. I need a viable setting in which I can live. I live in my little world and try to keep out the boogie men. I just want to survive in this world. But it is getting harder every day.
via Daily Prompt: Almost
I almost won a million dollars but I did not buy that ticket when I told myself to do so.
I almost saw a friend at the class reunion but decided not to go.
I almost bought a new car and then I saw the sticker price.
I almost saw that glass that was half empty as half full.
I almost forgave a family member for hurting me emotionally but decided to hold onto the grudge a while longer.
I almost kept that secret they told me to keep quiet but I told my husband.
I almost said a prayer for the person that cut me off on the highway but I decided to lay on the horn and yell at them instead.
I almost called someone to tell them I loved them but decided to watch tv instead.
Almost…. almost…. I almost decided to stop being an almost kind of person but then I changed my mind. I will be an almost person here on out, just not most of the time.
via Daily Prompt: Extravagant
The word extravagant may stir up visions of jewels or an exotic car for many folks. But to others it may be something as simple as a box of corn flakes with a quart of milk. So many of us are blessed to be able to dream of jewels or fancy cars while others dream of having a meal in their stomach once in a while. I learned this from a young man in Haiti whom I grew to love dearly. He taught me so much about life. I learned that there are those in Haiti who go days with no food. I also learned that an education there is not free. They must pay to send their children to school. In many instances it is a choice between that and food. To them a days wages may be only a dollar. That is enough to buy one bottle of pop at the local store. That is not enough for one person for the day let alone a family. While in Haiti I saw dirt cookies for sale on the streets and asked why they had them. They were eaten to absorb the acid in the stomach and curb hunger pains. It was uncommon there to see anyone who smoked. They could not afford the habit. Nor could they do many other things that we do such as have a pet.
Extravagance for him was a simple bowl of cereal and some clothes. How many of us would call that extravagance? Not many I would suppose. We sit in our heated homes sipping beverages and filling our tummies on a daily basis. Yet, so many in the world do not have a building to sleep in nor clean water to drink. I am not trying to put you on a guilt trip. What I am doing is asking you to think about what your item would be if you were told you could have something extravagant for free? As for me I am getting better at seeing how blessed I am in this world in which I reside. I am as a queen living in a castle my friend from Haiti once told me. I sit in my castle while I dine on fine foods and fatten myself all the while knowing that there are people living in the villages starving. Extravagance to me is no longer a classic car or diamonds. It is a desire of the heart to reach out to those in need and to help them. If I could have something extravagant I would choose to build a hospital in a third world country that has a food bank for those in need. I would dream big, but not for myself. Yes, I could work at that facility but more than that I could help those stuck in a situation from which there seems no escape. That to me is extravagant.
via Daily Prompt: Cozy
Whenever I see the word cozy it brings to mind a dear friend of mine who makes tea cozies. She sells them in some shops down south as well as at a local shop in the area. Her handmade items are so perfectly made. Each stitch weaves into a design that makes one yearn for such a wonderful cover for their tea pot. I honestly have to say that I had not known of tea cozies prior to her introducing them to me. I love tea and have enjoyed it for years but had never seen a cozy that could be placed over the pot to keep it warm. Each one of her pots has her design signature on the back. It is a star symbolizing her relationship with her higher beings. She is a woman who is strong in faith. She always makes things with love and charges only enough to make a minimal amount for herself. It is her passion for others that drives her. Sewing quilts and so much more I have seen her talent from God used as a means to make so many people happy. One year at Christmas I walked with her as she distributed her handmade fabric bookmarks to those residing in a local nursing home. For her it is not about the money, it is about seeing the recipient of her craft create a smile on the face of someone she meets. I can recall one Americana quilt in particular in that she made it for a cause. She labored on this quilt for quite some time to then donate it to the cause for a raffle. She made no money at all. I admire her ability to sew as she does. But, even more than that I admire her ability to bring joy to others. I am blessed to call her my friend and sit with her from time to time to have a formal tea in her home. I love seeing her handiwork at my side as we sip tea from her special cups placed at the table just for us. Her cozy home set with tea cups and a tea pot covered in her handmade cozy make me feel relaxed and loved. A cozy little setting that only a few have been honored to have. Blessed, truly blessed, are we who know this woman who creates this atmosphere. I am blessed to know Klittlestar – she is a light to many.
via Daily Prompt: Cherish
“Cherish is the word I use to describe… all those feelings that I have hiding deep down inside…. ” These lyrics rang in the mind of my younger self. I loved the words to this song and yet I had just begun to understand the true meaning of them. To cherish back then was to love in a simple way; holding another’s hand or to view a brief kiss of a couple nearby. Yet, now I see so much more depth and breadth to that simple word. To cherish now means to hold one’s heart in your hands and in your heart. To be blessed enough to have that person in your life for the long haul no matter what is to be able to cherish them. It is to know that person inside and out and to love when they walk into the room even after forty years of marriage. Cherish is only one part of the vows I took so long ago – I pledged to love, honor, and cherish the man I love. Those words spoken to be done in any condition even in sickness. In the last few years since the accident that left me unable to work I have watched my spouse take on all of the challenges including the monetary ones without even one word of complaint. In those years I have watched him work hard as he always has asking nothing in return. He has even told me that all will be okay and has encouraged me on so many occasions. I am so blessed to have a man in my life that is so loving and caring. I cherish my time with him. The time home has brought us closer together and allowed me to love him through simple acts such as baking or cooking meals for him. To cherish is to love in a way that nobody else will ever know of. Even if you read this you will never understand the meaning of our love.
As I read posts on Facebook from those who are caregivers I see so much distress in their words. I see their emotions that they wear on their sleeves. I feel for them. Yet. I also feel for their loved ones with the TBI. I wonder if their loved ones read their posts. I wonder how they feel being caught in a world that they did not ask for with someone they cherish complaining about them. To lose one’s self has to be hard enough. To lose one they cherish and live through their opinions and blasphemy has to make it far worse. My old self is gone. But parts of that old me remain. I am thankful that my love for my spouse remains. I am thankful that he cherishes me enough to not cast his problems on me as I heal.
“Cherish is the word I use to describe… all those feelings that I have hiding deep down inside….” Do you cherish the person you are a caregiver for? if you do then think of how you show that to them in your every day actions. I am blessed to have my spouse. Are they blessed to have you?
via Daily Prompt: Proclivity
I wish that I could state that my thing I do regularly is blog. But I don’t. I seem to do well for a while and then life and it’s activities grab ahold of me and I am not focused on my writing. My tendency is to choose other things. I do so many things on a regular basis, but not write. I need to make it a predisposed part of my day.
I have been so busy attempting to fulfill the requirements of the STRS disability board that my life has been like a ragdoll tossed to the side for near two years now. I just ran out of time with the whole process of getting disability. It seems as if proving ones traumatic brain injury is not easily done. I have been to so many doctors over the course of the last two years and to no avail have not one doctor who was willing to fill out the documentation. I am left with no money; no pay for over two years now and bills from trying everything I could to get what they asked for. I feel as if I wasted thousands of dollars in an effort to get something I was due and lost. I paid into a system that was supposed to be there if I needed it. But, as for me it was not. I now must accept the lower payout of standard retirement. I will not get any money for a while now as the process will take time. I cannot work as I am disabled – just not on paper for STRS. I had lived in a world filled with illusions that the money I had put into the fund was there for me if were ever to need it. But, I have found that to get that money back out is not that easy. I wish I had bought disability insurance prior to my accident. My hope is that I will be able to find a part time job that I can do a few days a week for a few dollars. I am not sure I can work in fluorescent lights at all but I think I would like to try.
Perhaps now I can write a bit each day as the paperwork attempt is over. It filled my life and robbed me of so much. I need to move on. HUGZ
via Daily Prompt: Confess
Confession, to me it is much more than what it is to anyone who is a non-Catholic. As one of the Catholic faith it is about meeting with a representative of Jesus – the priest – to cleanse ones soul. As a priest, or man of the cloth, our father listens to us as a representative of Jesus to intercede and allow us to tell God all of our sins. I have to say that when I first came back to the Catholic faith from having been in the Protestant realm I thought that I really could just talk to God on my own. I had the mindset of many in that GOd hears our prayers when we talk to him and so I did not need to go to a confessional. Yet, when I went back to the confessional after many years of having been away I noted that there was a feeling unlike when I just talked to God. I was in the presence of a man of God who listened and then blessed me and absolved my sins. So often as a Protestant I confess and re-confessed my sins hoping that they were resolved. Yet, here I knew for a fact that God had heard them. I also knew what to do for my penance whether it be saying a prayer or doing an act of contrition. I know that this post is different than the others I tend to write, but it is my faith that has sustained me in times of the accident etc. I rely on God for so many things. I confess to you that I am not one to tell anyone what faith is for them. Yet, I know that confession is an element of the Catholic faith that I believe in. It is for me. Is it for you?