via Daily Prompt: Rhyme
There is a rhythm to life that seems to stand upon the threshold of time. It is one that takes us through the days, the weeks, the years until we meet the maker of our life. Rhyme and rhythm are a part of us. The synchronization of the hours, the days, tick away in a unison of ups, and downs with the syncopation, the sound, of our heart beat ever strong within us. There is a certain rhythm to life. One that goes on for years, or days at a time. Get up, go to work, eat dinner, watch t.v., go to bed – over and over until the rhythm changes and we shift into a new form of life. One without rhyme. One without that familiar rhythm and reason and we scream from within trying to figure out what is going on. The new loss of rhyme and reason makes us yearn for the past and all it entailed. Even if it was no longer what we held dear it was our normal. It was who we were. Grasping onto anything we can we move forward trying to get back into any kind of pattern. Time passes. We see all others around us yet in their patterns as we once had. We are jealous that we cannot succeed at doing the same. We move on. Time passes and we yearn for some kind of norm. Something that we can predict and draw upon. It is coming. Wait. It will come.
via Daily Prompt: Homage
As days pass and the years go by I seem to see many things in a different light. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have survived near death. Perhaps it is just a normal part of aging. Either way it is something that needs to be respected in our American culture (but seems to not be). With that said I wish to pay homage to the lessons my God has shown me. I hope that you glean something from this blog. It is why I write.
Lesson 1 – People who you think are your friends will use you for the sake of gossip. There I said it. I hated to tell you that one, but it is true. How do I know? I used to talk to someone almost every day. Our conversations could go on for an hour or more. But, I came to realize that as she spoke to me she slandered, or cut down, the people in her life that she called her friends. After years of hearing this I thought to myself, “I wonder if she does the same thing with what I tell her about my life?” If she were in fact talking to me to get information to tell them! I began cutting back on telling her things and grew more and more sure of the fact that she was. I hated that I had fallen for that. I was a part of a gossip roundup – gathering and spreading the herds of data – manure and all. Since that realization I have decided to keep my mouth shut more than I used to. I have given up gossiping and use words to edify more than I did back then. People will use you. You have to set boundaries. If you don’t you will have repercussions.
Lesson 2 – Private matters should be discussed with someone who is a counselor or trained to help you sort it all out. This is a follow up to number one. Confide in those who must keep your private matters private. I have gone to a counselor and not am ashamed to admit it. I know that they have taken an oath and will guide you. Friends and family on the other hand might think they know what is best and want to help but they are not always right. I lean on God and pray more than anything now to get my answers.
Lesson 3- Set boundaries with those who need it – I am not real good at this yet, but I am trying. I have people in my life who seem to think that they can tell me what to think even though what they think it completely opposite of who I am. I cannot do as they wish nor will I. To me, if I do as they tell me to do they become a sort of false God. Especially when they are telling me to do things that are not in agreement with the Bible. I set boundaries and will listen to the one true God, not anyone who is a wolf is sheep’s clothing.
Lesson 4- When You Change People Will Not See it and Think You Are Still the Old You – Change takes time. I have changed but most still see me as the old me. I let her go a while ago. I am a new me dedicated to God. It is okay that people do not see it. That is not what matters. What matters is that God sees the new me.
Lesson 5- People will judge you even though they have no right to – It is a natural thing – to judge others for whatever reason. Maybe your eyes are a different color or you are in a wheelchair. Maybe it is something not physical but spiritual as you are of a varied faith. The reason is not important. It is the action that is taking place. Judge not lest ye be judged. Speak words of love, not judgement. If you are offended by someone pray for them. But more than anything, if someone judges you do not let it bother you. By doing so you give them control over your feelings. Focus on what God knows to be true. That is the only thing that is important.
I used to give homage to so many things. Those were the things that I spent an enormous amount of time on. Now, I choose to give homage to God and what he asks me to do. Homage to God as his disciple is not always an easy path to choose. But I choose it.
Buckeyes – most think of a football team. Me? I think of the actual nuts of the trees that grow along the field on the west side of our home. It is late August and already the five fingered leaves on the Buckeye trees are turning brown. They are the earliest to turn each year. When they begin to turn, it is a sign that we will soon be able to gather the nuts from the ground. Gathering them is not as it used to be. I have a TBI and bending over and standing erect can make me dizzy. So now, my spouse and I have a system in which he picks them up while I shell the prickly husk and place the nuts into a basket to be taken inside. Once there I clean them if needed and place them onto cookie sheets to be dried in the oven. This helps to keep them from molding. Next, I cool them and count them into groups of 50 and 100 to sell online. Pictures are placed onto our website on Etsy and I take care of the shipping when they sell.
I used to make necklaces as well. But, the drilling of the nuts is not as easy as it used to be. My eyesight is effected by my TBI and this the chance of having the drill slip is not something I want to risk. That and being able to see to string them is not easy for me. So, we just sell the buckeyes dried and ready for crafting.
I miss making the necklaces as I used to but we have found a way to do something we love to do in a new way. Many things must be done this way. It is a team effort kind of thing. It is not that we need the money so much as it is that I can still do something I used to do before the accident and thus keep that part of me for a while longer. I hope that you find things that you can maintain in your life as well. God bless.
Today as most focus on the eclipse of the sun I will be mostly inside. My TBI brain’s reaction to the light is extreme and so I will be only glancing up from time to time. Therefore, today I choose to focus on the eclipse with a twist on the content. I hope it helps illuminate my life and what is has become.
Full sun – The morning of the day of my accident and my entire life previous – Yes, there had been clouds and things along the way but my mind had its full potential and I was working in a field that I loved. I was bright, intelligent, able to learn and knew where I was going. I was on a path for the future that entailed enlightening young people in the classroom. I was a light for my grandchildren and dreamed of the day when I would be able to come visit them more often when I retired. I was traveling abroad and doing missions work as well. I was happy and my future was bright.
partially covered – On the afternoon of the day of my accident the light within me began to become covered. I was throwing up and my head was killing me. I had been cut out of a vehicle and strapped to a board then loaded into the first of two ambulances that would take me to a trauma center. Here I had the first tests and began the trek that would last for longer than I could ever imagine. My world began to shift into going to therapy and seeing doctors to help me be able to go back to work and to survive the pain of life. My life was still partially lit at that time as I truly believed that I would be able to teach again. I went back to work for almost a complete year but began to realize that doing so was exhausting. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and entering a hospital to deal with the fact that I was having issues with being able to work. But, the light was still there as I truly believed that I would be able to complete my career and teach for another 5 – 10 years. I was fighting to move forward but it did not work.
My heart ached as I wanted to return to teaching and my school gave me the chance to tutor. It was then that I began to realize that multiple sounds in the room were quite distracting and I could not comprehend the material before me. Previously I had been using material I had been familiar with in previous years. It had been stored in my long term memory. But, anything new was not there to retrieve from. My short term memory was messed up. As I began going to a new therapy place they revealed to me other areas of concern. It was here that I learned that my brain had not always let me know when I should not be doing things, like driving. My brain had experienced a diffused injury – not a localized one. They explained that a stroke is many times in one area of the brain. But, my injury was as if it had been shot with a pellet gun. The damage was all over the place and miniscule. The routes that various things had to take to get the messages to and from the brain were damaged. We were going to work on attempting to reroute some of them. My darkest hours were when it was suggested I not drive and when I was told that I would never teach again, not even part time. That crushed me. Not only would I ever return to my career but I would also not be able to drive to visit my grandchildren. I sank into a deep depression and stayed home for months without even changing into street clothes. I began going through the house ridding myself of any memories of my days of teaching and giving things away that reminded me of my losses. As I cleaned out the house I was mostly unable to go visit the school. It tore at my heart to see the kids and answer their questions as to why I was not there. But, it also hurt to see how my co-workers seemed to not even care about my life and what it had become. I hurt in so many ways. I was feeling sorry for myself and attempting to bury the old me. I had even thought if having a funeral and ridding myself of thins from the old me. I sold my classic car. I hated to see her go. I threw out clothes I had work to work. I became more negative and dark as time progressed. I had no dreams. I had no visions. I had lost my light. I was dark and soaked in all of its glory. I did not want to come out and try to find the new me and I did not like to be pushed to do so.
Light is returning – As I climb out of the death of my old self and move forward I am finding new ways to serve. I realize that I can tell others of my story through blogging, and I can serve from home on my PC for short bursts. I do crafts and talk to people more than I had for a while but I am still in a muddled mess of letting go of the old me. I did go over to the school the other day and talked to one person that was there. I will return to full light one day. I know that God is with me and he is guiding me there.
As you watch the eclipse today know that for many it is a symbol of their lives as well. The darkness has enveloped so many of us at stages of our lives but then with the aid of many things we seem to move out and come back into the light once again.
( I was able to view it from time to time through a welding mask – I am so glad I could see the eclipse)