Will I Overcome? Not This Time

via Daily Prompt: Overcome


My fortieth class reunion is tonight. I am not going. I would but the people I held most dear during that time on my life are not coming or have passed away. I thought about going but then realized that with a traumatic brain injury the band after dinner alone would be too much. I picture the reunion in my head and see the tables of people talking and laughing about old times. They are discussing their careers and grandchildren. I have grandchildren. I could discuss them. But my career is over and I miss it dearly.  The multiple conversations going on about me would force me to attempt to focus in on the one nearest to me and somehow attempt to hear what they are saying. That used to be so easy to do. But, now it is frustrating and it makes me quite anxious.  I have overcome so many things in the past forty years. I have lost dear friends, family members, loved ones. I have survived major accidents and more. Yet, this time I cannot beat this thing that has messed up my brain. I keep on trying. I cannot overcome. I cannot be successful with beating this injury. It has literally taken over my life. I cannot even go and enjoy my class reunion. I know I am venting. I seem to need to do that from time to time. I vent because when I looked forward in my life I did not see this one coming.

I sat at my graduation while over 400 students walked up to get their diplomas and pictured my future. I saw a family who loved one another, a good looking dude at my side, a house with the white picket fence, a dog, and I was working as a teacher. That was all I wanted. I wasn’t asking for much. God blessed me with all but the dumb fence. I was living my dream. Then came the accident. It all seemed to come crashing down little by little after that. No more career, no more being able to drive to go family or friends, no more dog. Why no more dog? I get sick if I bend over too much. To care for a dog and have to hook them on a line to let them out would literally make me ill. So, I visit them at the farmer’s markets and swoon over them there. I miss so many things. I miss having a dog to jump on my lap. I miss being able to drive to soccer games and to be at the pool with my grandkids. Yea, I smile and make people think it is all good. I am pretty good at wearing that mask, jacket, whatever you want to call it. Then days like today come along and I come on here and type. I type to let others know how I truly feel. How hard it is to not be the old me. I miss her. I liked her more than I like the new me I have had to become. She would have been able to go to the reunion. But, here I sit and read the posts of the people in town and sulk. I have not overcome. Not today. Some days I do all right. But just like when someone you love dies you have those days that rear their ugly head and remind you of your loss. You cry and move on. It is life.

I thank you Lord for my family, and my home without the silly picket fence. I thank you for my dude at my side and for all of the things you have blessed us with. I will overcome this day by day one step at a time with you by my side. But as for today, keep me busy and let me feel you near. I overcome only with you at my side. HUGZ


Anticipation of the Unknown

via Daily Prompt: Anticipate

Ramblings on the topic of anticipation of the future, the unknown:

Carly Simon’s song Anticipation begins with the following words,

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway 

So true, we think on the future most all days and wonder about what is to come. This week we have watched as Texas has been digging out from the massive floods and see that more trouble could be heading toward more in the US. We hear predictions of this and that. Turn the channel and hear yet another prediction or commentary on the prediction of someone else.  Some people are rushing to gather needs as they anticipate what will occur over the course of the next few days. Will it hit the East coast or the Gulf side? How strong of an impact the trail of terror impact us all? Will my loved ones be okay? Will my home and belongings be lost? What will happen?

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway 

So, what do you do when you want to know of the future and want some input from an outside source?  Do you turn on the news? Go online and research the topic? Visit a psychic?  Pray and ask God? Worry and think of every single possibility that might occur? Call your friends and ask them what they think will happen? Most people do one or more of those things. So much of the time we spend our moments in the future. Is it an attempt to control it? Does it give us a sense of security?

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway 

What about premonitions and dreams that we have to tell us of the future? Do they come true? Why do we have them? Those are good questions and I would love to have input from others on this topic.  I do not know the answer. But, I hope I am making you think. (In my opinion those are to not so much warn us of things to come but to be able to pray for those situations in advance to alter them to lessen the effects on all peoples.)

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway 

We are not in control of much. Especially not the future. Yes, we can do things to alter our direction but we cannot control what will happen with those things we do. Take for example the impact of flooding on the good people of Texas. Many had wonderful homes, vehicles, belongings and more. All gone. They had planned to be ready for the future with said items and now … nothing much is left. They will be lucky to have their insurance companies replace those items. Another example-  I had taken several classes to advance my career and now have a traumatic brain injury and cannot work.  I do not regret taking those courses and still wish I could use the education but I cannot.  What about the loss of a loved one? How many times have you wondered who will go first – you or your loved one?  We are not in control of that unless we break the law. That is written by God.  We are not in control of near as much as we would like to be.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway 

Those days to come are going to come (unless we die) and will be filled with all kinds of life. There will be bad times, good times, happy times, and sad times. There will be days that will feel as if someone grabbled hold of your heart and ripped it out. There will be days when we will feel love overtake our beings and we will weep with joy. There is no song, no dreams, no time travel to let us know what will occur. We try to embrace those who will predict, those who seem to know and hold on tight to hope. Hope that we will guess correctly and that all will be as on the happy ending movies or in the TV shows of yesteryears. But more than that we fear that a bad thing will happen and at times we dwell on it.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway …… even though what we think never comes true as we thought it would.  Live for today. Be in the moment and place the things of tomorrow in God’s hands. Your life will be so much happier if you do.


Anxiety Attack

I am having an anxiety attack – lawyer called and he had my stuff on hold as I have not gathered the paperwork he needs. “That is the easy part,” he stated. I need to figure out how to do this paperwork gathering thing as it is supposed to be easy. My head is spinning. I am crying. I am trying to focus to write this. My heart is racing and I think I should just go lie down and pray my mind stops. I cannot keep up the process they are asking me to do for the disability paperwork. I am trying. I have no help and see no end to this. I am not usually this negative but will this ever end? I need someone who can prove what is going on in my head. The attorney says the doctors know and can refer me. That has never happened yet! I keep on having to call to get ideas from organizations etc as TBI is not something most people understand. I feel like I am going to have a full blown panic attack.  My eyes are burning as I type. My neck is aching. I am waiting on a psychologist office to call me back. I need to see if they can just drug me to get me through having no income, not being able to work nor volunteer, and just being a nobody to please the system that might eventually see I cannot work. When will this all end? I wanted to write when I am in this state of mind to show you how frustrating this system is. I hope that you do not ever have to go through this stupid setup of a bureaucratic mess.  Cannot proofread right now. Gotta go. HUGZ to you all —and I care and that is why I write even when I am like this.

Critical – TBI Needs to Have More Awareness / Understanding

via Daily Prompt: Critical

I once lived in a world with the unknowers. Those who did not know about Traumatic Brain Injuries nor of the vast number of people who this, at times life long, issue effects. I used to teach TBI children and in some ways be like those who had no clue. I read a bit about it and I tried to understand as to make the child’s experience in school the best possible. But, I never knew the true impact of the condition on their well being and their being able to learn. As I grow in this field of knowledge I see so many things that I never knew before. I would like to share a few of those with you.

1.  Getting disability is not easy nor is it a given – I have been to so many doctors, therapists, counselors and more. Yet, the proof of my TBI and how it effects me has yet to be completed. I have until December of this year and then I am out of luck. If I do not prove my disability to them I will continue to have no income, and possibly no back pay.

pasted in — {Here in Ohio in past years, OPERS, STRS, and SERS were better disability plans than Social Security Disability. It used to be that an individual would be eligible for a disability benefit if he or she was medically unable to perform his or her job. You did not have to prove you were disabled from performing any occupation in the economy. Beginning January 7, 2013, this has all changed.
A pension reform bill, passed in 2012 and effective January 7, 2013, made obtaining state disability payments much more difficult. You now must prove, after either two or three years of a disability, that you are unable to work at any job – not just your past job. You are also required to attend and receive rehabilitative services if you desire benefits beyond three years. And although your disability might have forced you out of work, disability back payments are cut off for any time period prior to your last contribution date, meaning a longevity payment while you are “on leave” from your job could cost you tens of thousands of dollars.} copied from an STRS attorneys site as to clarify 

Going on in my own words- I translate this as saying that I need to be without an income all the while paying doctors, therapists, attorneys, drivers, and more. Without an income I am sure that some have lost their homes etc all to attempt to prove their disability. Never think this is an easy task. It is not.

2.  Working is not always possible even if you want to do so to make some kind of money – In my experience I have not been able to be cleared by a doctor to work. I can only drive within 20-30 minutes from my home as my vision issues could bring about an accident etc. I have been selling some things online and have gone to a few market events to sell my crafts. But, I make very little. I have been told that even that minor activity could result in my losing my claim for disability. I even went to a state agency to help me find a job and I was told that I would need to wait until after the STRS hearings are complete to be able to find anything. They are concerned that I would not get my disability. The job I was looking at was 3 1/2 hours a day placing dinner in front of the elderly at a local resident care facility. I would only do so four days a week and the owner knew of my ailments. He was going to work with me to help me be able to have some sort of income. The main objective of the job was to be caring toward the residents, serve them, talk to them, love them. I could do that! I have also been told that I cannot volunteer in any capacity. To do so would reveal that I can work. WHAT? To go talk to the elderly would help me to have connections with the world. That is nothing like the job I had teaching. There is no paperwork, no reading with comprehension, no stressors. If not for my spouse I honestly do not know where I would be. I know I am grateful to him for working so many hours to support my livelihood. I cannot work for many reasons. Many of them I had not known about prior to being in this position.

3.  Attorneys are not always the answer.   The attorney for my accident would not believe me that I was going to be unable to return to work. The settlement for the accident barely covered the cost of the a few of the bills I had accumulated in the first two years. I took what I could get and felt angered at the system that tells us that insurance will care for us. They are there “On your side”. On your side is varied from behind your back dear friends. I can stand at your side and hold you up for a while but being behind your back would mean that I would support you and know of your hardships. I would fight for you.

Attorneys were also hired to help me with my STRS claims. The first lady was quite nice and did talk to me quite a bit about my case prior to the first appearance in court. I spoke mostly that day to defend myself. She spoke some. We left and the paperwork that I had ben denied soon came. I called the office to let her know per her request and was greeted by a confusing response. I was told that she did not work there and that I had the wrong number. Going on to tell them that I had just been in court with her last week they then changed their answer to that she had left her position there. I would need to talk to someone else. Since then I have had very little help. I call and the message boxes are full etc. My spouse and I had prepaid up front for their help – $2,500 to be exact.  Now, I was being told that they would continue with my case if I now offered to pay them their share when we won.  That was not what had been presented before. I would never pay ahead again. We had to take that money out of our savings. It is not right. I pay and I get no help. I am awaiting a call back again as I type this.  My attorneys have not been doing what I thought they were supposed to do. I hope it gets better.

4. Support systems are needed – Living in a rural area I have found a great group online that I belong to on Facebook and I have gleaned much from it. Yet, I would like to see more for those of us in need. I see lots of fund raisers for all kinds of things but I have never seen one for TBI sufferers and their families. I feel invisible at times. I hope for this to change and for my being able to help with this cause.

5. Continued Research is Needed – I have been to doctors who really have no clue. I am not being mean, just honest. It seems as if this topic is not one of great wisdom. I keep on seeking people to go to and they are versed in one area of understanding but not in what I need. I would like to see more research and publication of findings for those in the medical field to have available.

TBI and its effects is now gaining more awareness through the venue of football but we need so much more. It is critical that we all speak out and aid those in need. My eyes can no longer focus to proof this etc. I am sorry if there are typos.


Infatuated with Life

via Daily Prompt: Enamored


Enamored, a word not often used in day to day verbiage.  Defined it means to be filled with a feeling of love, to be in love with, smitten by, or merely having a liking for something is to be enamored with something.

As a young woman I would have stated that I was infatuated with the love of my life, my spouse, and although that remains true I would not be here to love the man of my dreams without life. Life, a word with only four letters and such a large meaning.  To have life, to breathe, to sustain a way of living is not a given. It is a day to day gifting.

Only yesterday a dear friend underwent an eight hour surgery. She is resting now and healing from the endeavor and she is alive. Alive to be with her family yet another day. Breathing and taking in air, enjoying a breakfast that only a hospital can make. 🙂 She has been given the opportunity as have all of us to reach out and touch people in a new way. As one who is fighting back at breast cancer she is a stronghold of the culture within we live. So many have fought the battle against cancer, so many have won the battle against death with accidents, illnesses, and on and on the list could go.  I have survived a few things myself but today I choose to focus on the fact that I live for a purpose, a reason.

What is that reason? I live to serve. I live to serve God and his church. I live to serve those who long to know more about what it is like to live with a TBI.  I live to love my friends and family.  I am infatuated with life.

This morning as I rose from slumber I came right to my PC to go onto Facebook. I knew that a post would have been made concerning the well being of my dear friend. A photo of she and her daughter greeted me as I slid down the page of entries. In that moment I knew she was okay. Joy entered my heart as I knew I would be able to talk to her again soon. We would be able to come together and make handmade cards for those we love and speak of our lives. We would form more memories and explore our lives. I am thankful for that opportunity.

In a few hours I will venture out to celebrate a birthday with someone who was in the rollover accident with me. We will celebrate another year of life. I will look at her and recall those moments wherein we were not sure we would make it. She will look at me and do the same. Then we will embrace and know that we are blessed to be here. To celebrate yet another year, to be there with those we love, and to serve.  To live, to celebrate life and to be enamored by all of its possibilities.


Dignified Responses Only Please

via Daily Prompt: Dignify

I am active on Facebook as many are. I state that as a preface to my blog today because I have found that my conservative posts are not always met in a dignified way. It seems as if others who are of a varied mindset seem to think that it is okay to correct me and to go on and on about how I see things wrongly.  I would like to clear the air and state that I see things differently than they do but in my eyes that does not mean they are wrong.

With many things in life there used to be a clear cut wrong and right. But in today’s realm we do not always have such a clear cut difference. We have become muddled with our beliefs and it seems that everything needs to be politically correct. To offend someone is bad. To tell your side of the story is wrong if it does not agree with another’s way of thinking.  I reflect back on my life and wonder when this line of thinking began. It has been within my lifetime. I know that.

I was raised to speak to my elders with respect and to call them by Mr. So and So and Mrs. So and So. First names were less formal.  Respect was expected.

I was taught to let the adults speak and to listen when spoken to. It was in this manner that I learned many things and how the adults seemed to have a wisdom I had not yet acquired as a child.

So, that takes me back to my original question – when did it become okay to challenge those with lifelong wisdom? When did it become common place to toss aside someone’s opinion if it does not align with yours? When did it become okay to punish or even kill those that we disagree with? Don’t like what they believe? Do something about it. Let me tell of a happening in my life wherein that exact thing happened.

It was in the mid eighties when I lost someone I loved very dearly to cancer. I mourned her death more than any other I have ever experienced in my life. I went with her spouse to shop for the tombstone and agonized with him over the perfect one to represent her. It was bought and placed onto the site. I took care of the grave and visited from time to time to take flowers as loved ones do. But, one day I went to find that someone had spray painted that stone with scribbled gestures. No words, just a mess of white paint sprayed upon the grey granite we had chosen. I became angry that someone would do such a thing. Who would desecrate her grave and why? She had hurt no one. Looking around the cemetery I noted that her grave was the only one that had been damaged. In that moment I recalled how a family had been upset with me at the school where I worked. I had made their child do the work she had been asked to do. Her mother had attempted to hit me, and if not for the principal being nearby she would have succeeded.  My mind wandered to thinking, wondering if they were so upset that they came here to hurt me in another way. Living in a small community it was quite possible.

I cleaned up the stone, painstakingly washing it down after getting all of the paint off with removers. I cried as I wondered it the remover would damage the finish. I never told a soul. But, inside I hurt as if she had died all over again. They had put me in my place. I would never forget that lesson.

By now that child is a parent herself. I have to wonder what she teaches her children. I wonder if they are a part of the minority out there desecrating the graves today and tearing down statues. Back then, I let what happened go. I did not tell anyone. I did not rise up and protect the grave of my dear one against another possible attack. But as for today I chose otherwise. I am going to speak up. Each of us has a voice that needs to be heard. Nobody has the right to tell us we are wrong or to eradicate our free speech.  I have opinions that are just as worthy as anyone else.  Please stop telling me that my opinions and the way I feel about things are wrong.

Lets get back to dignified responses only please. Ones that express how we feel without tearing the other person down. Responses that allow us to debate without hatred and malice toward those we do not agree with. Let us not have to feel like we are unworthy to speak. It is okay to disagree. But it is not okay to allow undignified mannerisms.





Rhyme and Rhythm is Gone

via Daily Prompt: Rhyme


There is a rhythm to life that seems to stand upon the threshold of time. It is one that takes us through the days, the weeks, the years until we meet the maker of our life. Rhyme and rhythm are a part of us. The synchronization of the hours, the days, tick away in a unison of ups, and downs with the syncopation, the sound, of our heart beat ever strong within us. There is a certain rhythm to life. One that goes on for years, or days at a time. Get up, go to work, eat dinner, watch t.v., go to bed – over and over until the rhythm changes and we shift into a new form of life. One without rhyme. One without that familiar rhythm and reason and we scream from within trying to figure out what is going on. The new loss of rhyme and reason makes us yearn for the past and all it entailed. Even if it was no longer what we held dear it was our normal. It was who we were. Grasping onto anything we can we move forward trying to get back into any kind of pattern.  Time passes. We see all others around us yet in their patterns as we once had. We are jealous that we cannot succeed at doing the same. We move on. Time passes and we yearn for some kind of norm. Something that we can predict and draw upon. It is coming. Wait. It will come.